The Reigion 13, Northwest Quadrant Project
by Kitsune-Chan 8
Summary: Please Read and Review, this was my first attempt at humor. Switch, Apoc, and the Vamp-in-White film a spoof of The Blair Witch Project with some dubious help from a few Agents...
1. Day One: Introductions and an Interview

Author's Notes: This takes place in a ridiculous world (you'll see) where there is the Matrix, but everyone knows about it and takes it in stride. Since the machines and the humans get along, there's no rebellion. The Agents are there for conspiratorial reasons and because it's fun to torture them. ^_^. Also, Agent Jones is the Agent I imagine to be Agent Jones, that is, the skinnier-looking one (I'm starting to think I have them confused, but Jones just sounds like the name of the skinnier-looking one to me) and in my little universe the Asian Goon of Mero's is female (if she is, in fact, male, well, I don't care, she's female here. So Nyah). One last thing: All the characters save for Agent Jones, Agent Tea-x, and Sadako (they're in their early 20s) are teenagers, and they are all filming this for. I don't know, a school project or something...  
  
Apologies to: The Matrix, Harry Potter, The Blair Witch Project, Ringu, The Simpsons, Terminator3, Red Hot Riding Hood, "That BloodyElvenMongoose Girl", Monty Python & The Holy Grail, Ren & Stimpy, Dance Dance Revolution, The Frighteners, and anyone/thing else that is mentioned during the course of this parody  
  
Announcer (Agent Jones): In April of (makes air quotes) "1999" two humans and a program went into the (makes air quotes again) "woods" to do a film on the - (begins to make air quotes again, but is smacked upside his head by another Agent who's hiding out of camera range) OW! All right, I'll stop! Sheesh! (Regains composure) Anyway, two humans and a program went into the woods to try and film an exiled program known as the Blair Woods Specter. They were never seen again. However, some of the film they recorded was recovered a few months later during the search mission. (Lowers voice) No, it was not our fault, we swear! (The other Agent smacks him upside the head again) OW!! WHY YOU LITTLE- (crashes, screaming, shots fired)  
  
Cut to footage of the three missing, er, people:  
  
Switch, a young woman with shiny blond hair that would make the entire Malfoy family jealous, is the leader of the expedition.  
  
Apoc, who is the same age as Switch, is a nice guy in spite of his tough- looking exterior. He is the camera guy and Switch's best friend.  
  
Rain is the Asian, female "Vampire" from Mero's manse. She claims to know the area they will be hiking in and was helping out by operating the microphones.  
  
Announcer: Switch was a gifted film student whose next project was supposed to be an expose on the Blair Woods Specter. She was accompanied by her friend Apoc, who operated the camera, and Rain, a Vam- (gets smacked again) Ow! What?! It's okay to say that! Rain is a "Vampire" who claimed to know the area. They went into the woods on Saturday, May 14th. What follows is an edited story from the film we have found during our search for their bod- ERR, I mean, for them.  
  
DAY 1: Introductions, an Interview, and Setting up Camp  
  
Switch is standing in front of a mirror filming her reflection.  
  
Switch: Hello all, my name is Switch and I and the director of what will hopefully be an interesting film. It is 6 AM on Saturday the 14th of May and we will be shortly be meeting my camera guy and best bud Apoc and our guide Rain, who will show us around the Blair Woods. This promises to be very interesting weekend!  
  
Cut to Switch now filming Apoc and Rain at Apoc's house.  
  
Apoc: Hi my name's Apoc and this is Rain (she waves) Right now we're going to go interview some people for the story and then we're going to go set up camp in the Blair Woods. All right, let's go!  
  
Announcer: The three go interview Det. Amos Kawarimi, who is very familiar on the local folklore of this part of the System. They originally intended to interview some more people after their camping trip, but as you may have guessed they never got around to it.  
  
Switch: How did the story of the Blair Woods Specter begin Det. Kawarimi?  
  
Amos: Well, it all started a few years ago when the trees in the forest began acting strangely. It was early summer of 1977- (the Announcer snickers) -and the leaves were turning late autumn colors, then they turned blue, then black. It was discovered that the program for the forest was severely glitching and it was replaced. Unfortunately, it seems that the new program in charge of the forest was not well liked by the old one, which apparently came back and killed it. They say now that the forest is "haunted" by the old program, which is said to be insane.  
  
Switch: Wow. Can you describe what this anomaly looks like?  
  
Amos: Well, the few people who've seen it describe it as a tall woman wearing a tattered dark red dress, like a wealthy woman gone to seed. She has long black hair, bone-white skin, and according to one person she does not have a face. Oh! I've got a picture, one of a few I've found-  
  
He holds up a very old-looking photo. It's a picture of Sadako Yamamura from Ringu, her hair all tangled and wearing a frighteningly decayed- looking, dangerously low-cut, blood-reddish-colored dress. This being Sadako, the only visible part of her face is a single, glaring eye.  
  
Switch and Apoc: YIKES!!!  
  
Rain: YI- wow, nice dress! Is that haut couture?  
  
Announcer: YOWZA!!!! (Morphs into a cartoon wolf in a zoot-suit) *pant pant pant!!!*  
  
The other Agent (shocked!): THAT'S MY SISTER!!!! (Proceeds to beat Agent Jones, which snaps him out of his wild-take)  
  
Switch: Uh. anyway, is this really a photograph of the Blair Woods Specter?  
  
Amos: Undoubtedly. A friend gave it to me, and he swore all he was trying to do was take a picture of an unusual-looking tree. You can see it in the background.  
  
He points to a spot in the scary photo, which provides Apoc an opportunity to zoom in on Sadako's chest area.  
  
Announcer: OMG SHE IS HOT!! (Lets loose a wolf-whistle)  
  
Agent "Sadako's Brother": SHUT UP!!!! (Gets out his now empty gun and tries to beat him again, but Agent Jones smacks him upside the head, laughs with obvious glee, and runs out of the room. He did not see the other Agent get back up and follow him.)  
  
Switch: Riiiiight. Well, thank you very much for your time, Det. Kawarimi, it's been very informative!  
  
Amos: No problem. Just be sure that when you go into the woods (he already knows that they're going into the woods) steer clear of any "grisly-y decorated trees."  
  
Switch: What? What do you mean, "grisly-y decorated trees" That sounds so. ew.  
  
Amos: *Chuckles* If you're going camping in the Blair Woods you'll know soon enough.  
  
Switch, thinking: This sounds suspiciously like foreshadowing to me. Out loud: Well, don't worry; I don't think we'll be fortunate enough to encounter any decorated trees on our camping trip!  
  
They thank Det. Amos Kawarimi and leave. Apoc continues filming them on the car ride to the campsite using his small digi-camera.  
  
Apoc: I think that went well. He was very... interesting.  
  
Rain: Yeah. I loved that dress!  
  
Switch: Uh. yeah. But I don't know, I got a weird vibe from that picture. I don't know, I can't explain it.  
  
Apoc: Do you mean the way the Announ-  
  
Rain: SHHH!!!  
  
Announcer, in another room and nursing a few new cuts and bruises: The hapless trio makes their way to the campsite on the outskirts of the Blair Woods. They have left their car in the parking lot and head into the dark forest. The park ranger is the last human ever to speak to them or see them. alive anyway. (Cackles evilly) Heh heh heh!  
  
Switch: *shudder* There's that "feeling" again!  
  
Rain: *snicker*  
  
The three set up camp. It's now mid afternoon, and they shoot some "atmospheric" scenery shots. Switch sets up the camera and records some dialogue for the film.  
  
Switch: In the year 1977, a program called Sadako was in charge of the Blair Woods. She was discovered to be glitching up the trees in the Blair Woods and was forcibly removed and a new program called Willow was sent to take her place. The defective Sadako apparently went into exile, and then came back to her forest to get her home back. She slaughtered Willow by ripping her to pieces, and then used the assorted body parts decorated a huge pine tree like a grisly Xmas tree (that sounds redundant, doesn't it?). The story has since passed on into legend, though there have been sporadic reports of strange happenings in the Blair Woods by hikers and campers, most notably seeing a strange woman in the forest who is now known as the Blair Woods Specter.  
  
Announcer: I'd like to see the strange woman in the forest...  
  
Agent Yamamura (bursting into the room): DIE YOU EFFING-!!!  
  
Their fight starts again. Another Agent, a woman called Agent Tea-x, takes over for the Agent Jones.  
  
New Announcer (Agent Tea-x): (glares at the other two for a moment) ...Males... *sighs* the three make camp, and then go to bed. Nothing unusual occurs that night, but when they awake the next morning... 


	2. Day Two: Blue Goo, River's Edge, and an ...

DAY 2: Blue Goo, River's Edge, and an Interesting Second Night  
  
Switch is recording with her own digi-camera.  
  
Switch (inside tent): Mmmrrph... Uhg... Good morning, it's Sunday the 15th and it's our second day of our documentary. Today we're going to go look for some spots where the Specter has been sighted and -  
  
Someone swearing outside suddenly interrupts switch. Still recording, she goes to investigate and discovers that somebody had taken Rain's backpack outside and tossed the contents out. The backpack is found, and everything still inside it is covered in-  
  
Rain: BLUE GOO! BLUE. F____ING. GOO. ALLOVERTHEPLACE!!!!!  
  
Apoc: Ewww. What the heck is it? None of us has anything that looks like that...  
  
Rain: That's beside the point! All my stuff is lost or ruined! *Grumble, grumble, mutter, mutter*  
  
Switch: Well, at least we're going home today. C'mon.  
  
Apoc: This stuff looks like slime mold. Maybe we should burn it, just in case.  
  
Rain: *Gags* ICK!!! NO!!!  
  
They help rain look for her stuff. Most of it is found, but Rain's compass is missing. Rain tries her best to get the blue goo off her stuff. They pack up their stuff and hike to a river where Sadako was last spotted.  
  
Announcer: This River is the sight of a strange murder that has been associated with the Specter. A group of hippies-  
  
Agent Jones enters the room dressed as a hippie, which would be more convincing if he had changed out of his suit.  
  
Announcer: What are you doing?  
  
Agent Jones: Visual aid.  
  
Announcer: (stares at him for a moment) O. kay. Uh, a group of hippies were staying by the river near another group of campers. That night, the campers heard sounds of torture coming from the hippies' camp-  
  
Agent Jones (Starts acting scared, high, and aroused at the same time): Gyaaaaah! Oh no, like, a hot chick in the red dress's gonna kill us dudes! Ooooh nooo, she's got, like, a whip, man!!! OOOOOooohhHH, wOooOoOoo-  
  
Announcer: NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!!!  
  
Agent Jones: Hearing Aid.  
  
Announcer: Urge. to kill. rising.  
  
Agent Tea-x is about to kick Agent Jones when Agent Yamamura breaks down the door and chases Agent Jones out of the room again. Announcer-Agent Tea- x clicks off her camera. A second later, she clicks her camera back on and starts talking from an undisclosed location.  
  
Announcer: Sorry for the interruptions by my two colleges, an imbecilical virus or something seems to have infected them. *Cough, cough idiots cough.* Anyhow. The next morning the hippies were gone and in their place were a veritable lake of blood. The police could not find any clues to the massacre, aside from one long, black lock of hair. (Cackles evilly) Hee hee hee!!  
  
Agent Jones, from somewhere else where he can hear Agent Tea-x but can't find her: HEY! YOU BITER!  
  
Switch: Getting back to us now. -_-;  
  
Rain: this is a fiasco waiting to happen. 6_6;  
  
Apoc: I think it's already started. ^_^;  
  
The three get to the river, which appears normal. Switch sets up her camera. Lock starts filming the river, and then pans to Switch.  
  
Switch: This is the sight of the infamous hippie massacre of 19-  
  
Rain: YAI!  
  
Apoc: (turns to river) OH MY F_____ING GOD!!!  
  
Apoc quickly gets the camera back to the river that is now striped with a red liquid, that is a horrible shade of red that looks a lot like-  
  
Switch, Apoc, and Rain: BLOOD!!!  
  
Rain (aside): Speaking of which, when's lunch?  
  
Switch and Apoc (exasperated): RAIN!!  
  
Rain: Sorry.  
  
The camera stays on the bloody river for a minute longer and then they quickly leave. They start hiking back to the campsite, but become lost and disoriented.  
  
Apoc and Rain (whining): We're becoming lost and disoriented!  
  
Switch: Don't panic, we've got a map and my weird-blue-goo-free compass!  
  
Rain: Switch, I know this place by heart and I have no fricken' clue where we are!  
  
Apoc: Just how do you know this place by heart?  
  
Rain: I used to go camping here when I was little.  
  
Apoc: But you're a program. You never were little.  
  
Rain: You know what I mean! I liked camping!  
  
Switch: Just what is it that you do anyway? Y'know, what was your purpose?  
  
Apoc: Yeah, the purpose that drives y-  
  
Switch (low, dangerous voice): Now don't start that again!  
  
Apoc: Yipe! - Shutting up. (It's ok; he can't remember the rest of the quote anyway.)  
  
Rain: All right, all right. I confess: I used to be a program in charge of snowstorms. Then a pair of twin things replaced me.  
  
The Twins pop up behind the mightiest tree in the forest (which has since been chopped down by a herring), aghast: Did you just call us "twin things"?!  
  
Rain (annoyed): Where the f___ did you two come from!?! Well, yes I did, so will you go away? You guys aren't even in this story!  
  
The Twins: Well at least we're ALIVE by the end of the movie!  
  
Apoc, Rain, and Switch (really annoyed): WILL YOU JUST LEAVE!!!!  
  
The Twins: BAH! *Grumble, grumble, mutter, mutter*  
  
The Twins' Fangirls: *disappointed* Awwwwwwwww..  
  
The Twins leave, but they appear to be plotting something, or maybe that's just how they act when they've been dissed.  
  
Agent Yamamura, who has found Agent Tea-x's hiding place: "Thank the pretty sparkly green letters they're gone!"  
  
Announcer (Agent Yamamura doesn't annoy her as much as Agent Jones): "Thank you pretty sparkly green letters!" Dusk has fallen on their second day in the Blair Woods. Assuming this night will be as uneventful as the last, they set up their tents. Since the three are surprisingly not tired, they are huddled together in Apoc's tent talking. Rain is filming them with Switch's digi-camera.  
  
Rain: So what do you guys think about that? I mean the blood.  
  
Apoc: I dunno. I mean, how did all that blood get in the water, anyway? Why there? It scared the s___ out of me!  
  
Switch (muffled by a s'more): Eei thhinkgh itsh shom kinna sngn!  
  
Rain: Swallow, please.  
  
Switch (swallows her s'more): I think it's some kind of sign!  
  
Rain: What do you mean?  
  
Switch: Well, we go to the place where Sadako the Specter killed all those hippies, and the next thing you know the water's red. We try to make it back to camp, but we get disoriented in spite of having a map and someone who claims to know these woods like the back of her hand!  
  
Rain: Hey!  
  
Switch: .No offence.  
  
Rain: Whatever.  
  
Twig: SNAP!  
  
Switch, Apoc, and Rain: What was that??  
  
Twig: Sorry.  
  
Silence.  
  
Suddenly.!  
  
Mysterious, crazy female-sounding voice: EEEEEYYYYAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (echoes off)  
  
Switch, Apoc, and Rain: YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!  
  
Many hands start pounding on the tent!  
  
Hands on tent: WHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAMWHAM!!!!!!!!!  
  
The three run out of the tent, Apoc grabbing their big camera that has a powerful light attached to it, and start running into the woods. The fools!  
  
Switch (looking at something to her right): OMG!!! WTF IS THAT??!!? WTF IS THAT???!!!!!!!??  
  
Rain: DON'T ASK ME, I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!  
  
Apoc (looking to his left): HEY, IT'S AGENT JONES.! (Agent Jones crashes into Apoc) OW!!! WTF are you doing here?!  
  
Agent Jones (blushing furiously): Uh. I'm. bird watching.  
  
Apoc (rubbing his head): *oww.* "bird watching" at night?  
  
Agent Jones: Yes. I'm looking for a uh, delivery .owl. (Sheepishly holds up a letter addressed to "Miss Sadako 'Blair Woods Specter' Yamamura, The Blair Woods, Region 13, Northwest Quadrant, The Matrix")  
  
Rain: *snickering* Wrong story, fool.  
  
Apoc and Switch: *SNICKERING*.  
  
Agent Jones: Oh fine, laugh you three, but if I were you-  
  
Agent Yamamura comes into the scene, whacks Agent Jones hard on the head with a mallet rendering him unconscious, and drags him off-screen.  
  
Everybody who's had a speaking part so far, including the Twig (a la Ren Höek): He's an eediot.  
  
Announcer: We'll never know what Switch saw to her right, because just as Apoc was about to focus on it Agent Jones wrecked their camera! Our three hapless heroes straggle back to camp, restore the fire, and stay awake till dawn. They did not know that their last day on earth awaited them with the dawning of the sun. (Grins most evilly) MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Suffer puny humans and vamp-chick, SUFFER!!!!  
  
Agent Yamamura, tying up Agent Jones so that he can't cause any more problems: *muttering* this place needs beer, or saké, or something.  
  
Announcer: That's a good idea. 


	3. Day Three: The End Of Their Beginning Or...

A/N: I should've mentioned this earlier: I wrote this in June and finished it July 2, and this was my first Original piece of fan fiction.  
  
DAY 3: The End Of Their Beginning... Or The Beginning Of... Their... Ending... Or The... Oh Forget It!  
  
Announcer (drunkenly, because she and Agent Yamamura had gone out to a saké bar to forget the insanity of the past couple hours. Agent Yamamura is curled up in a corner sleeping, and the tied-up Agent Jones is also asleep): Aaaahh. The thrrreee guysh wake up. uh. and um pack up and leave camp. Theyyy.. Hike or shomethingh. Ughhhh. (Agent Tea-x falls face-first onto her desk and starts snoring immediately) ZZzzzzzzzz.  
  
The Twins stealthily enter the room.  
  
The Twins' Fangirls (cheering): THEY'RE BACK!! WHOO-HOO!!!! :-D  
  
The Twins give their fans a thumbs-up and poke the three Agents to make sure they are fast asleep. They click off the camera. When the picture returns a few minutes later, all three Agents are now propped up in chairs wearing bondage gear, their faces covered with black ink words and doodles by a permanent pen, and they are now handcuffed together. The camera shifts to Twin One, who is now seated primly in Agent Tea-x's chair as though he's always been there. Twin Two joins him after adjusting the camera.  
  
Twin One: Hi, and welcome back to the Blair Woods Specter show. The Announcer and her two fellows are incapacitated for the moment-  
  
Twin Two: *Snort!* -to say the least-  
  
One: Hehe. -So we are going to be taking over for them-  
  
Two: -So don't worry; the narration is in good hands!  
  
Both (Evilly): MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Fangirls (cheering): YAY!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!  
  
One: Thank you. And now back to the story. After spending a sleepless night next to the fire, Apoc, Switch, and Rain hastily gather up their belongings and start hiking on what they think is the path that leads them home. Unfortunately...  
  
Rain: I don't think this is the right path! None of these landmarks look familiar!  
  
Switch (reading the map and holding her compass): This has to be the path, the map says so, and the compass is... is... uh...  
  
Apoc (worried): Switch, what's wrong with the compass?  
  
The compass' needle is spinning erratically, rendering it completely useless.  
  
All three: *Groan.....!*  
  
Rain: Well, I think I know where we might be. If we follow the river downstream, it'll eventually take us to some sort of civilization...  
  
A/N: This is true; I read it in a book on hiking.  
  
Switch (tucking the map back into her bag): Well, that's a start. If we walk double pace, we should get out of this f-ed up forest soon!  
  
Apoc and Rain: GOOD!!  
  
One: They hike for a long time, following the river downstream, until-  
  
Two: -they come to the site of the hippie massacre, which is thankfully-  
  
One: -free of blood. They pass it by, and after a few hours...  
  
Apoc: WTF?!  
  
Rain: How did we end up back here?!  
  
Switch: I - I don't know, how could we, we were following the river!  
  
Rain: Unless. no, it's impossible!  
  
Switch: What?  
  
Rain (hesitatingly): Well... If Sadako is still in charge of the forest, do you suppose she could have...?  
  
Apoc (finishing for her): ...Changed the river? But why?  
  
Switch: She's toying with us, the b____...  
  
Rain: Aaargh! Stupid forest, and to think I once liked being here!  
  
Switch: well, maybe we can still find a way out. C'mon, let's keep going.  
  
They continue hiking, not realizing that they are headed deeper into the Blair Woods. They stop for lunch by a stand of trees. Rain goes off to relive herself in a bush, when suddenly they hear a cry.  
  
Rain: YAI!!!! AAAAAGHHH, GET OFFGETOFF, AAAAAAAA-!!!!  
  
Apoc: Uh-oh must be those darn shrubbery herrings again...  
  
Switch: Yes, they can get bad this time of year.  
  
They grab their cameras and rush into the place where they heard Rain's screams, hoping to capture something funny involving her and a randy shrubbery herring. They don't see her, but as they look up suddenly-  
  
Switch and Apoc: OH MY F___ING GAWD!!!!!!!!  
  
The large fir tree opposite them is festooned in what appears to be freshly vivisected human organs and bloody bits of clothing. Rain's clothing, to be exact. Topping the frightful fir like a grisly Christmas angel is Rain's head, it's hair wet with blood and covering her face so that only one glaring eye is visible.  
  
Switch and Apoc (looking for a moment, then running away as fast as they can): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! !!!!!  
  
Two: And thus we have seen the last of that insolent Vamp Rain!  
  
One: That wasn't very funny.  
  
Two: This was based on a scary movie, what did you expect?  
  
One: Oh, right.  
  
Two: Anyway, our thoroughly freaked-out little protagonists are now running headlong into the woods-  
  
One: -without their backpacks. Being humans, they still do not realize the consequences of their actions.  
  
Two: But they will, believe us, they will.  
  
Both: HEHEHEHEHE!  
  
Switch and Apoc are now deep in the Blair Woods, thoroughly lost with no map and no equipment having abandoned their backpacks. Their only source of light and comfort is their cameras, which they use to record their thoughts as they hike into a deepening evening gloom.  
  
Switch (sniveling): I want to say good-bye and I love you to my parents and my sister Pacey, to whom I give my Harry Potter books, including the two that haven't been published yet that I got from hacking into the archives and also my closet space, and my brother Binder, who can have my collection of exotic inventions; to my best female friend Trinity (you rock!) who can have my bug-sucker-outer-machine...  
  
Apoc (acting stoic): This is probably my last will and testament as we are both trapped in a shifting forest by a psychotic b____ of a program; To my parents, I want to say I love you and I'm sorry I yelled at my sister for going into my room; to Star (my sister) I want to say "Even in death, please keep out of my room!" heh, just kidding, I love you too sis...  
  
They continue like this for a while until quiet accidentally they stumble upon a ruined house-like building in the middle of a clearing. Curious and with night approaching, they decide to enter the dilapidated structure. The Fools!  
  
Switch: Hello? Is anybody there? Help please! We're lost in the forest and our friend is dead!  
  
Apoc: Yeah! She has discovered death on pointy, piney branches! (Switch smacks him) Ow! (Sheepishly) Well she did!  
  
No one answers their calls. The house appears quite deserted. They enter, and notice something scratched onto the walls...  
  
Apoc: What's all this? It looks like writing...  
  
Switch (reading): "Agent Jones was he-" it scrawls off, as if something had grabbed him! (She looks around. The room is covered with strange writing.) The rest of this is just gibberish!  
  
Apoc: This is freaking me out, Switch; I think we should leave!  
  
Switch: Good idea! Let's go!  
  
They turn around, only to find themselves in a long hallway they had never been before.  
  
Switch (aggravated and scared): Great, a glitching house! The perfect residence for a glitched-up b_____ of a program like Sadako!  
  
They walk down the hall, only to find themselves in another room. They try to smash a window, but it stays firmly unbroken. They run all through the house, going into rooms that rearrange themselves as soon as they leave. At some point, they abandon their camera and it sits on a rug. The camera films the walls shifting and records the sounds of the increasingly panicked Switch and Apoc as they stampede through the house trying to get out.  
  
Switch (somewhere far off): Apoc! Apoc, where are you!!?  
  
Apoc (somewhere else entirely): SWIIIIITCH!!!!!! HELP ME! SWIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Switch somehow finds the hall with the camera in it, grabs it, and goes off to find Apoc.  
  
Switch: APOC! APOC I'M COMING!!!  
  
Apoc (in apparent pain): GYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! NOO- (his cries abruptly stop)  
  
Switch: APOC!!! APOC!!!!!!!!!  
  
Switch enters a room and sees-  
  
Switch: Oh. My. God....  
  
Agents Yamamura and Tea-x are bound, gagged, and handcuffed to each other on the floor still dressed in bondage gear with their faces covered in permanent ink, as are the Twins. Sadako is having tea with Agent Jones, who is still tied up and sipping his tea through a straw. Apoc is there too, standing in another doorway and staring at the two Agents lying on the floor. It should be noted that now they aren't acting.  
  
Apoc: Do you think we should help them?  
  
Switch: What? Oh yeah... Why were you yelling?  
  
Apoc: I wasn't yelling!  
  
Switch: (uncuffing Agent Tea-x) Which one of you was yelling?  
  
Everyone looks at one another and shakes their heads. There's a crash, and a wall explodes into the room! As the dust settles down, everyone is shocked to see Rain, crazed-looking and wearing bloody clothes, but very much alive!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: WTF??!!  
  
Rain: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Now at last I can have my revenge!  
  
Everyone: WHAT F______ING REVENGE?!?  
  
Rain (pointing to each person as she speaks): My Revenge, revenge on Agent Yamamura, who tried to mess me up during the DanceDance Revolution competition; Agent Tea-x for stealing my clothes; The Twins for replacing me and for being ever so annoying; Sadako for being such a b_____; Agent Jones for liking her more then me when I obviously have better fashion sense, at least; and finally on you two, Switch and Apoc, for dragging me into this mess in the first place!!!!!!!!!!! (Laughs madly/creepily a la Scott Evil) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHAHAAAAAAHAHA!  
  
Switch: But. but what about the tree?  
  
Rain: I'm a Vamp! A little vivisection can't kill me!!!! I just pulled myself together once you left!  
  
Apoc: And the river?  
  
Rain: All me! And this station is all mine too! So now, let's see how well you guys can stand a little claustrophobia!  
  
Switch: EVERYBODY RUN!!!!  
  
They all scatter, but even the Agents and the Twins who thought they knew the layout of their "station" quickly become hopelessly lost. As the panicked humans and programs try to find a way out the house, Rain causes the building to slowly implode. Soon the house has been squeezed to the size of a garage, then a shed, then a VW Beetle, a go-cart, a large dog- carrier, a microwave oven, a loaf of bread, a shoebox, a sneaker, a flip- flop, a cup. and with a muffled *bamf* the house blips out of existence. Suddenly all the characters fall out of thin air, crashing one on top of the other in the forest clearing!  
  
Everyone: OW OW OW... *GROAN*...  
  
Rain (rolling on the floor laughing her butt off): AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! (Annoying sing-song voice) I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU, AND YOU SHOULD SEEEEEEEEE YOUR FAAAAAACES!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Agent Tea-x: Remind me to rearrange her memory next year.  
  
Twin One: Yeah, she always-  
  
Twin Two: -Gets us! (ow!)  
  
Apoc (winded): This is the weirdest April 1st I've ever experienced...  
  
Sadako: That thing with the tree... Nice touch!  
  
Rain: Thanks! (Hysterically giggles again) heeheeheehee.!  
  
Agent Yamamura: You were still sore about that DanceDance Revolution thing?  
  
Sadako (grinning through her hair): Well, she always was a bit overdone when it come to that game...  
  
Agent Jones: (Owww..) you call all this a "bit over done"?! She could have killed us!  
  
Switch: Don't worry, it only means that we now have a chance to get her back next year!  
  
Twin One: Well, why wait-  
  
Twin Two: -till next year?!  
  
Everyone else: Good point!  
  
Switch and Apoc: HEY RAIN!!!  
  
Rain (still giggling): Heh heh heh... w-what?  
  
Everyone: SURPRISE!!!!!  
  
Rain: HUH?!  
  
All of them whip out some of the Weasley twins' magical fireworks and soon whirling, whistling, exploding sparks of every color imaginable are swarming around Rain, who is quickly overwhelmed by the vivid swarm of vamp- seeking embers!  
  
Rain: GYAAAAAH!!! YAI!!!!!!!!! GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!!!!!!  
  
Everyone (annoying sing-song voice): HAAAAAAPPY APRIL FOOOOOOOOOOLS DAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY RAAAAAAAIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rain: Just you - YIKES! - Wait till - AAAAAAGH! - Next - EEEEEE! - Year!!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!! YAAAGH MY EYES!!! NOOOOO, THE LAVANDERFUSCIAGREEN SPARKS IN MY HAAAAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRR!!!  
  
And so it was that the huge mass of sparks chased Rain deep into the Blair Woods where she remained till June, since the sparks had left weird, multi- colored blotches all over her body. The others were filled with immense pride at finally getting the master prankstress back at her own game... at least until next year, wherein the resulting chaos caused the whole City to be rebooted twice, since not all of the jam, silly string, and wandering firecrackers had been removed the first time and the buildings tilted at odd angles that caused several thousand cases of vertigo. And they were all banned from working together on a film project for the rest of their years in high school and even into college.  
  
The Very End! =^_^=;;  
  
Author's notes: Yay, my first humor fiction! I think that the whole thing was the characters filming the spoof, and then Rain pulling this huge prank on them at the end. I have no idea if this ending made any sense, funny though it was. I originally wanted it to end with Apoc staring at a giant tv and Sadako coming out of it, but that seemed too cliché. I have no idea what "Rain's" actual character name is, and I'm still not certain she's even a "she" at all. I know you'll be surprised that I have not included one mention of a certain Agent and/or Elf Lord whom we all love to torture (usually by way of you-know-who in the you-know-where (attack of the green zoris!)), but I couldn't really fit him/them into the story and it'd be kind of odd for either of them to be Sadako's brother. Of course I had to include the Weasley Twins' awesome fireworks somewhere! "It flew after [Umbridge] with a sinister Wheeeeeeeeee!" (HP&TOotP) Yay!! Happy 4th of July!!!  
  
Finished July 2, 2003. 


End file.
